Oh India.

Sometimes India makes my heart hurt. Today especially.

It hurts when I see the man with no legs and three fingers scoot along the train floor. It hurts even more when someone hands him a ten rupee note--and then asks for change. Ten rupees is like 25 cents.

It hurts when I get tapped on the shoulder by at least ten beggars, knowing that the rupee coins I give them will hardly do any good. And I would never have enough for all of them.

It hurts when I give an old man an apple and then three pairs of hungry eyes show up next to my face.

It hurts when I run out of coins and I have to close my eyes and pretend I'm asleep when the blind man or the crippled old lady stand next to me saying "amma, amma".

It hurts when I notice our driver has worn the same shirt for three days in the row and when I realize he's been sleeping in his car while I sleep in a nice air-conditioned hotel.

My heart hurts when I hear the little girl following me saying "akka akka" for five blocks.

It hurts when I find myself annoyed and frustrated with all the suffering, poverty, and disparity in this country.

It hurts when I think "What would Jesus do?" and I can't think of an answer.

It hurts when all the answers I do think of, I could never actually do.

It hurts when I think in one month I'll be back in the United States, enjoying my air conditioning and delicious food and college education while so many are not as privileged here. It scares me to think that I might forget them.

I haven't figured it all out yet. But I know this. My heart is happy when I teach piano and see the students so excited to play their first song. Or when I teach the cha-cha with Sam and everyone is laughing and moving their hips. I'm happy when I see their eyes light up when we dance for them. Or when we speak telugu! I'm happy when I hear the testimonies of the saints in Vizag and when I get to play with all the cute kids I meet. I'm happy when Karuna and I share ice cream on a way to an interview or when I see Dorga show me her sari she picked out for her sri mantum. I'm happy when I hear the Vizag branches sing "Sweet Hour of Prayer" (it's sounding sooo good!) at choir. And when Neelie-ma gives me a hug. I'm happy when I meet amazing women, learn about their rich culture and hold their babies. I'm happy when I hear Bavana say I love you! and gives me a kiss the cheek. Or when Megana comes running up to me with her hands up. I'm happy when I can make a stranger smile by whipping out a line in telugu (they're super surprised).  I'm happy when I get to meet and talk to classrooms of University students. Or when I walk past all the school children on their way back from lunch and get to hear them laugh when I try to pronounce all of their names.

India, even though you break my heart, you're making it smile at the same time.